Mom Thoughts Motherhood

We Are Not Okay

We are not okay.
We, as a society are not okay.
We are collectively experiencing a traumatic event…together as a whole.
And the result isn’t that pretty.

At first it was okay, I was okay.
We were okay.
I was all in. Excited, scheduled out and hopeful for this new way of life.

But now, whoa.
The “I’m not okay, this isn’t okay” moments are starting to outweigh the latter.

My day is now currently filled with catering to the vastly different needs of my three children, which to be honest, is something I love.
I love crafting and doing the fun kids stuff with them.
BUT in spending all of this quality time with them, that means when quiet/nap time rolls around, it’s filled with the things I need to do so I can be a sane person vs. that time being spent doing something productive
or even lucrative.

Now, because I’m making sure that all kids are “at school” at the right time and entertained enough to not act out later, and fed enough to not fade like the wind, my quiet time consists of working out, naps for myself [mental rest mostly], and eating something “real” besides hot dogs and mac n’ cheese. and in reality, most of the time it’s just.vegging.out. to gear up for the second half of the day.

It’s this routine or I wake up at the crack of dawn and then pray I don’t need a nap at 10 a.m. orrr I’m not even able to make it to a 4:30 a.m. wake up call because I stayed up too late the night before reveling in the quiet space that lasted what felt like a glorious eternity.

Read more on Why I Stay up Late Here.

I just find myself feeling like I’m floating through the day, like a lost little soul, knowing exactly what I need to do yet, somehow unable to wrap my head around actually doing it.

My head is filled with this blatant knowledge that I have all this “free time” to get all these “things” done, yet, I am pulled to seize this opportunity to finally just be with my kids, but then I feel like I’m missing out on doing a bunch of projects because I am home.

Such mental warfare.

I know this isn’t just me.

I know, I am not the only one, not okay in all of this.

I can sense it, I can see it in others actions. I hear it in the tone of others when they speak. I can read it in texts and posts across all social media platforms.

We are not okay.

From loved ones to strangers, it’s all just too much. Too much time together, too much anticipating of the unknown.
Too much of doing nothing, somehow becoming something else to deal with.
It’s all just too much.

We have essentially lost pretty much everything that our society has been built upon over the last several years. Right, wrong or indifferent of that structure, it has been altered. Change is happening.

It’s happening to all of our daily rhythms, right down to our circadian.

Like the stretch marks on the belly of a life giving mama, these growing pains are being felt + seen by all.

Change can be viewed as growth to some. And the most substantial and beneficial growth is painful. And boy, are we growing…


The Stay at Home Mama

Stay at home moms that miss their silent moments. Fleeting, as they were, even at best, they were still moments that happened. They were glorious. Now they are pretty much non-existent outside of “sleep times”.

And yes, having extra help around the house is amazing, but when you are used to a certain pattern + plan of events, that extra hand can sometimes hinder more than help.

The anticipated daily workouts that brought solitude + serenity and a child-free hour, are now a struggle to even make happen.

The routine of getting in out + out of the car 500 times, somehow kept the hours in the day straight, are now an oddly missed rush.

The Working Mamas

Understanding the art + mastery of juggling an eight (+) hour work day along with trying to keep kids alive, and maintain their sanity is enough to make anyone’s head spin.

I say it a lot, the working mama’s are the true heroes out there. I know they are silently keeping their cool, but we see you and feel your sacrifice too.

The Single Parent

Who has always worn more hats than most, are now are expected to add even more to their closet. And to do so efficiently and without complaints all while still fostering emotional health with their children.

The New Mama

Those precious new mamas who had their ENTIRE birth plan just thrown out the window, not to mention the cancelled baby showers and photography sessions.

The time that a mama most needs her tribe of friends + family to surround her + show her the path into new motherhood has been completely uprooted and seized by an invisible enemy.

Oof.

[ Hang in there new mama’s. ]

The Working Husbands

The working husbands that don’t know what to do.
That are now lost and unsure what the next step is. That stay up late wondering what the economical impact of all of this will be, only to silently battle for a solution, so that no one else has to worry.
The identity of who they are, put on pause leaving them left to wonder what to do with themselves.

I feel that search.

The Children

Kids. This one gets me.
Those that live in awful situations at home, my heart hurts for them in ways I can’t even articulate. But my heart also hurts for those kids that thrive with routine + structure that are now struggling. The kids that are missing their friends, that are acting out, because they are scared and don’t know what to do or are not getting enough stimulation for what their little brains need to function properly.

The children that were looking forward to the big projects, and performances, and competitions.

That are scared because of the words they hear their parents speak, that no longer know their place because their place isn’t clear.

The Grandparents

That thrived on the anticipation of the next family visit or friendly card games with others. That joy now halted to an indefinite pause.

I can only imagine the pain of that isolation.

The Young Adults

Excited for graduation, starting a new job, buying a starter home, and the weddings. Oh man, the weddings….
All ripped away, just right out of their reach.

…this just isn’t fair.

WE all Are Not Okay

I see the funny memes and I normally laugh. Trust me, I am one that finds solace in humor but right now I don’t feel in the mood for it.

Fear, anxiety – dear god, the anxiety, the sadness of the things that were supposed to be. The guilt over resenting others more than I should right now. The immense anger I feel towards so many aspects of all of this.
The mental dance of “this is fine, this is fine, this is NOT fine”

Just plain + simple…

THIS SUCKS.

and ya know what, we are not okay.

This is where I would give a sappy boastful positive affirmation that it will all be okay.

But I just don’t have it in me.

And that’s real and true and as ugly as it may be, there is some beauty + freedom in that rawness.

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20 COMMENTS

  1. I love your real, raw emotions here and I agree, we’re not okay. At first we were, and we appreciated this new slower lifestyle. Now a month in, this is taking such a heavy toll on our hearts and our mental health. I know that I’m in a much more fortunate situation than others as my husband still has his job and is able to work from home, but it’s still hard!

  2. All I want to say, just for today, is this too shall pass. When it does, my prayer is that you will look back on this time and say, “I was strong, had much to be grateful for and shined like the sun over my family when dark clouds of fear and doubt were the course of the day.” Hang in there Mama. This too shall pass.

  3. We may not be okay right now in the moment, but I know we will be okay at the end of all of this! Stay strong Mama!

  4. It’s okay, to not be okay! This is such a crazy time for all of us and we are all just trying our best to survive. You are strong, this will pass and we will be back to life as it should be, soon!

  5. Ashley,

    Wow. Just…wow. I cannot tell you how much this resonated with me today. While I, fortunately, have had a (mentally/emotionally) easy time this past month, I know so many others have not, and I feel for them every day. I wish there was something I could do to make it better for them.

    There are two parts of this that stuck with me: “My head is filled with this blatant knowledge that I have all this “free time” to get all these “things” done, yet, I am pulled to seize this opportunity to finally just be with my kids, but then I feel like I’m missing out on doing a bunch of projects because I am home.” – this is the only thing I struggle with. I am constantly battling in my mind between simple just BEING with my child and picking up the long to-do list. Thankfully, BEING with my child has won over and over – but that battle continues because I feel like a failure for not tackling things I have had time to tackle lately.

    The other part that really stuck with me was the part about new moms. This just broke my heart. I haven’t thought a whole lot about new moms during this time until now – and man, those are some strong emotions when thinking on it. I feel for them. We all took fore granted the time we had with our newborns – in the hospital with family members, at home being able to go wherever we needed to go but more importantly have someone there to help us – not these new moms. They are completely and 100% isolated and I can’t imagine how hard that is – being a new mom is hard enough.

    I am definitely sharing this on my personal Facebook page today. Everyone needs to read this.

    Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for such a real, raw, IMPORTANT post.

    -Leslie

  6. I really needed this message today. It is a challenging period but today was exceptionally tough for me. Thanks so much for sharing your raw emotions with us and voicing out what so many of us have on our hearts and minds.

    Take lotsa care and keep on writing!

  7. WOW!!!! This hit me on so many levels it isn’t even funny! All the feels. My boyfriend and I were JUST talking about the high school seniors that were COUNTING on their spring sports seasons. All that gone! They can’t get it back. My life hasn’t been impacted to greatly. Yes we ran out of paper towels and no grocery shopping isn’t something I look forward to anymore but I’m mostly ok. My 9 year old misses his school, friends and teachers. I’ve got to balance working, parenting, homeschooling AND trying to find time for my blog all at the SAME time. It’s hard and I AM failing.

    • It is SO hard. But we are failing together at least ! Lol I kid, it’s not that we are failing. It’s that we are navigating unknown areas of our lives and we just don’t know how to quite do it yet. Stay strong mama !!

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