WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ARM??
| My Experience
“WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ARM??”
A volleyball player boisterously asked, while pointing at my makeshift (note: extremely well done) crepe bandage.“A cat scratched me” I quickly and dismissively responded immediately returning to the practice at hand.
I didn’t own a cat.
Nor was “scratch” an appropriate word for the amount of white gauge I had wrapped around my forearm.
To this day, I can still feel the blade.
It was ritualistic.
It was cathartic.
It was mine.
My own little avenue to temporary bliss.
I looked forward to that time.
In that space, I could control the depth and magnitude of my hurt.
That pain was seemingly less painful than the uncontrollable, agonizing torment of depression.
On the flip side, cutting allowed me to feel.
During this period of my life, I felt as though my feelings, my cares, my opinions didn’t matter.
Cutting allowed me to feel something that truly did matter- myself.
A warped sense of self-care was woven throughout the “wound-care” stage. Fittingly so, it became my favorite part of the whole process.
A strange sort of soul-tending-to process.
Looking back, my self-harm journey actually began when I was fourteen. Recognizing it now as a major “f/U” to my mother’s “you have to be twelve years old to pierce your ears” rule; over a considerably short amount of time, I proudly gave myself eight ear piercings with a safety pin and a piece of ice (Thanks Frenchy from “Grease”). Although a desirable and flauntable outcome, these piercings weren’t carried out with a joyful glee. Quite the opposite. Instead, it was an insanely rageful sadness that gave my hand the steady power to pop that pointy pin through my adolescent skin.
At fifteen, the combination of not addressing any of the real issues at hand, along with adding a bandaid made of various types of SSRIs, I became numb while somehow feeling everything all at once.
Cutting, did just that, it cut all that numbing, and all that feeling, all that BS– away.
Thankfully, (one could say) my self-harm tendencies evolved into a slightly less conspicuous form and took me down the road of drugs and alcohol.
However, that’s content for another day and another post.
What You Need to Know ______________
| If You Are a Parent
As a parent to three children, current ages of 15, 7, & 5 (2024), here is what I have to say to other parents, especially those who might not have any experiences with mental health imbalances.
Cutting is not for attention.
At least not the kind that you might think of
Your child is in pain, and this is their coping tool.
It doesn’t matter if you don’t think they are or that they have enough tools. If cutting is happening, your person, the one you love, is internally screaming,” I can’t cope with what I’m experiencing any better than this”.
They aren’t bad, they aren’t psychotic and they aren’t damaged or ruined.
They are suffering. They are in pain.
HOPE ||
It will get better
Be patient.
It is addicting
When I was getting clean and sober, I can not tell you how many times when my feelings would get too heavy, I would immediately go to “cutting thoughts” over drugs and alcohol. And I didn’t cut, but for a fraction of the time that I drank and drugged. However, that hit of the blade was quite the dopamine rush.
They need your time. (even when you don’t have it or don’t think they “deserve” it.)
Giving your child time and special treatment isn’t a luxury. You wouldn’t tell a cancer patient that they should be so lucky to receive such care, so the same principle should also be applied here.
This child is suffering, and it’s not of their own doing. Your actions should reflect this and not anything but.
| How You Can Help
Telling someone who is self-harming to “just stop” or they will be “sent to a luny bin” is. not. helpful.
Individuals who are cutting or engaging in any self-harm (from an eating disorder to doing drugs) are screaming for help. Making helpful suggestions and changes within a family dynamic is crucial. As a parent, I think identifying the feeling that is overwhelming them is key. Identifying this can be the hardest part, making turning to a poor solution look like a good idea. Labeling the feeling can help determine the best way to cope. As feeling alone and sad might require a different coping strategy than, say, anger and rage.
Some helpful strategies can look like:
- listening to music
- dancing
- moving the body
- getting outside
- journaling
- all those good things
Honestly though, those things can be really hard to do in the middle of the BIG FEELS, so I think another helpful tool is having an emotional support listener. I couldn’t find the place I heard it, but supposedly, it is said that we only need someone to listen for 8 minutes for our inner selves to feel heard and for the urgency of a big feeling to start dissipating. If a teen does not want to do that, try suggesting having them record themselves on the phone (and then deleting if best), as this can simulate that feeling of “being heard.”
Although a lot of these suggestions above are really good. They are also extremely hard to do in those initial moments of trying to acquire and utilize new tools.
In that awareness, some self-harm minimization tools can help decrease the potential damage.
Some of these include:
- snapping rubber bands on your wrist
- holding ice cubes
- running your hands under warm or cold water
- eating sour or spicy candies
- squeezing a stress ball
- punching a pillow or cushion
- screaming into a pillow
- writing on the skin with red pen
Try these Soft Tip Pens for doodling or, specifically, these Red Soft Tip pens.
The biggest things that will help someone who is choosing to self-harm are getting to the root of the emotional pain and creating coping skills that work to alleviate and process that feeling in a way that works for the feeling and the individual.
| What to Avoid
Please, please, PLEASE do not treat your loved one like they are ruined, that there is no hope, or what I find the worst; claiming that they are “seeking attention” and intentionally dismissing the attention they truly do need.
Don’t ignore it, but don’t fuel it, either.
Things said like “Oh, well, you ‘cut across and not down.’ This isn’t that serious” can be harmful in so many ways.
Don’t “set it and forget it.” People who are self-harming need help. Period. End of story. Telling someone to stop and not giving them the help they need is a premeditated failure.
This behavior will not get better on its own. Cutting, self-harm, – in itself, is an indicator that someone lacks the necessary tools to move through big things. And as we all know, life is just one big thing after the next. Whether that “thing” is positive or negative.
So please don’t dismiss, antagonize, or punish an individual who is self-harming.
| Resources
Here are some good resources that can help an individual who is struggling and for those who love them.
THE WEB: To learn more about self-harm, click here for the SAMHSA website or here for the NAMI website. Both of these websites have thoroughly discussed this topic. Also, this website is helpful for learning about self-harm, specifically with children and teens.
VIA PHONE: If you feel like self-harming, you can Text HOME to 741741, and you will be directed to a crisis counselor. To learn more about this website, click here.
RETAIL THERAPY: This journal is a super cute way to encourage journaling.
SELF-EXPRESSION: Embrace your healing journey and find a creative way to remember how amazing you are.
| Life After Cutting
My scars are still there.
They shine when the light hits just right.
I don’t hide them anymore.
I’m not ashamed of them.
It’s part of what makes me – me.
Today I talk openly about this because I wish that I had someone back then that knew what it was like to so badly want relief.
Today I continue to speak up and advocate for mental wellness, because there is relief, and most of the time that relief is in knowing that you are not alone in your pain.
Disclaimer: It is also imperative to seek professional help with these suggestions, as they are merely suggestions, and I am only sharing my experience and opinions.
