Mom Thoughts Motherhood

To the Mom that Doesn’t Want to Live, but Doesn’t Want to Die

I was hesitant to post this. For all the obvious reasons. Yet, I feel like it is incredibly important to share what mental health in motherhood really looks like when we start to openly talk about it.

That title is heavy, and would appear as though a cry for help.

Let me preface with, this isn’t a cry for help. This isn’t a hidden attempt to say I’m suicidal or some fishing line to be cast out hoping to catch a slew of people asking “Are you okay??”
This is a post to let others, especially mamas, know that they aren’t alone.
That it isn’t abnormal to feel unpleasant + un-talked about feelings and thoughts in this season of life.

And mostly that they are not wrong for feeling this way sometimes.

Mom Life is the Best Life, but No One said it Would be Easy

Being a mom is HARD. Being a mom and a household CEO, not to mention a great wife, good friend and solid family member, it is all so hard.

Sometimes that hardness cracks you. It all becomes too much.
You give and you give and give some more. Yes, breaks can help, but after that break, it is just right back to the grind of it.

I know that I’m in the thick of it.
Babies, toddler-hood and preteen adventures are my battlegrounds right now. And that wide range of needs + wants pulls at my every seam, eventually unraveling me.

I don’t feel this way all the time. I’m not consumed with these feelings but some moments, some days I’ve just had it.

I don’t want to mom anymore.
I don’t want to do anything.
What I want to do is, up and run away.
The demands of doing the most simple tasks become too much.

I just want to disappear or sit in a big pool of nothingness.
I don’t want to die.
I don’t want to leave my family + friends behind but sometimes it’s all too much and I want to just throw my hands up and say
“I give up! I’m done with this ‘doing life’ gig.”

I’ve been depressed in my life. I’ve been anxiety ridden. I know what these things feel and look like. THIS is different.

|This| is just the waves of motherhood seemingly drowning me in day to day moments. In any given day, there are rafts drifting by for me to grab a hold and just float to the end of the day.
Most days I see those rafts just barely out of reach, so I swim a few feet, clutch one tight, and catch my breath until bed time arrives.
But some days… some days, I’d rather just sink into oblivion.

I love my kids and family and my whole life more than adequate words could express. But sometimes it’s all just too much.

Again. I don’t share this because I need a flood of comments, telling me it will pass. I KNOW this will pass. I know it will. I know this is just a hard season of life.
I share this because I want other moms + people in general who feel this way to know that they aren’t alone and that they aren’t an anomaly.
The more we talk about it, the less power it has.

Sometimes I feel like I can’t share this side of my world because I will be labeled psychotic and placed in a luny bin. Or on the flip side, I will be ridiculed and questioned as to, how on earth I could ever feel such a way. Especially when I have literally everything, I ever prayed and asked so hard for.
THAT in itself is enough for anyone to keep this feeling even more in the dark [where it sits so comfortably and wants to stay].
By doing that, it only builds up that ugly monster.

I know Mental Health Awareness seems to be quite cliche these days, but it is important to start openly sharing about, because it’s when I talk to other moms, and read other articles like this, that it lets me know that I’m not as “crazy” as I think I might be.

I See You over there Mama

So to the mom that doesn’t want to live, but doesn’t want to die..
I see you.
I hear you.
and I feel you.

You are loved + worth more than all the diamonds in the world.

Don’t be ashamed to feel those icky feelings. But also don’t be ashamed to get help if you need it. Whether it’s just talking to your spouse about where you are at and asking for help to share the load or stepping out of the comfort zone and getting professional help.

Being a mom is hard, being a good one is even harder.
Personally, I feel that when you take the time to acknowledge your own feelings in this whole mommin’ process and learn how to better shape your views on those feelings, that is when you become a great mom.

Disclaimer: If any of these feelings start to consume you and tell you things that are not true, or thoughts of hurting yourself or others start to appear, you should seek immediate help. Call your heath care professional or call this number 1-800-273-8255 to get help right away.

Here are some books that might be helpful:

Looking for some Self Care Love?
Browse items over on my Amazon Shop

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13 COMMENTS

  1. LOVE that you are giving attention to this topic! You know I too struggle with this and I believe it is necessary to talk about it. We need vulnerability to become common place around this topic. I haven’t been blogging lately but I have been writing about this and should also start to share and open the door for open dialog and convo when people are ready. Life is hard. Whatever stage, phase, etc – yep – all can be hard. Add in the mama of a child… children. Ups it. Wife yep! Single mom – yep! List goes on. A dear friend often asks “How is your now?” Right this minute – because I have air to breathe and can respond – my now is good. Love you girl. Thanks again for posting. Keep up the great writing and being a great mom and example on keeping it real!

  2. Thank you for giving attention to this topic! Motherhood is hard and it can be lonely. I’ve felt like I’m drowning in it before. Despite the lonely feelings, we aren’t alone! We have to stick together and lift each other up!

  3. Great post mama! I think every mama will go through this. Want to hide, run away, or take a day off. Make sure you give time to yourself as well. (I’m trying to work on this as well)

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