This season is such a weird season of life.
It’s such an odd space to sit in. To be perfectly happy & overwhelmingly content with each of our three babes, yet still have this saddening gut wrenching acceptance that we are done making babies.
To acknowledge that I choose to not be pregnant again, that I choose to not go through those daunting, sleepless, yet absolutely magical first three months of life.
To be fully aware and accept that three is my limit, that five is our perfect number and to •KNOW• that we are done. YET; to be so, so sadden. So emotionally raw, that when I see our 10 month old being rocked by my husband and he no longer looks like a “baby”, I breakdown. I feel those feelings so deep in my soul and it brings me to tears. Not in a devastating way, but in a gentle, kind, bittersweet way.
A way that I know is just a part of the process.
They say that you •know• when your family is complete, you just have a feeling. And you do. It’s strange but you do KNOW, and you just FEEL it in your soul. As much as I love being pregnant and I LOVE newborns + creating life – I do KNOW that our family is complete.
BUT just because you know something mentally, doesn’t mean that your heart will accept it any easier or faster.
Then there is the fun part of your awesome brain playing these tricks on you. You think “phew! I’m out of the trenches, that wasn’t so difficult! Things are falling back into a nice pattern of normalcy. Maybe, just maaaybe we could do it. Maybe we could have another little babe. I mean people tell us all the time to have more babies, that we create beautiful little people, we should at least consider it!”
The thing is though, there is only one me & one of Dave. As graciously as those people would genuinely offer help, they aren’t there for the 12am, 2am, 4am, 6am feedings, OR here mid-morning, when the newborn wants to eat & the toddler wants to use you as a jungle gym, while the preteen asks every question under the moon. It’s just me, and there isn’t enough of
|m e| to go around. There just isn’t.
With all that said, I am slowly accepting this new chapter in life. SO if you see me awkwardly staring at your preggo bump, or your sweet little newborn, or randomly ugly crying while watching my littles become not-so-little; just know that I am a momma who loves her kids & her life more than she could ever put into words, but is slowly accepting and creeping her way through the process of letting go.
Five is good. Five is my number. My lucky one and sports team number. Five is magical. Five makes our family complete.